I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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