is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
