My liver just broke up with me...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
