I just threw up on my dentist
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
