I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
