I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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