Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
