My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
