I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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