$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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