i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
