I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
