I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
