he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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