Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
