I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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