I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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