I'm so fucking centered right now
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
