I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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