I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize