Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
