I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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