we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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