The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
