someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
