I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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