So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
