I wish my penis had an off switch
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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