totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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