You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
