guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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