Small penises have feelings too.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
