no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
