cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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