The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
