I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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