A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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