I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
