nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
