nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize