If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
