I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
