Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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