maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
