I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
