Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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