By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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