A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize