My balls are so social today.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
