wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
