I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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