I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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