woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
