Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
