Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
