How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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