Your favorite bartender is back from prision
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
