Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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