really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Of course I have a pirate flag
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
