GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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