you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
