i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize