I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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