If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
