i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
