I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
