I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
