She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
