A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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