so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
